It’s that time of year again, folks, when love – or, more often, thinly veiled resentment – is all around us. Love is in The Card Factory, on the forecourt of your nearest petrol station and up the special offers aisle of supermarkets across the nation.
In the past few decades it has become common practice for us unloved singletons to mourn our out-there-somewhere soul mates on Valentine’s Day, but I say the time is nigh to be metaphorically slapped around the face with a wet fish; nobody ever fell in love with a frown, as they say. So, as February 14th approaches, here’s my definitive guide to showing Cupid that he can, quite frankly, fuck right off.
1.Take joy from the fact that this year you won’t have to muster your best faux-pleased face upon receipt of a truly shit gift.
2.Know that you won’t be feeding ‘The Man’ by purchasing over-priced confectionery. Make a point by spending an equal amount on normal chocolate. Eat said definitely-not-made-with-love chocolate with an acute awareness that you could afford to gorge on far more than your coupled counterparts.
3. Look at your parents. This applies to even the most blissful of matrimonies. Just observe how gross and bumpy people become when they stay together forever. Ew.
4. Take a gratuitous selfie. Be grateful that you can do a Beyoncé and ditch your Michelle. Allow a best friend (Kelly) in the shot if you really feel the need for an excuse. Watch the likes accumulate and #humblebrag on Twitter.
5. Have a big wank. I’m talking a curtains drawn, headphones in, lube at the ready, taking occasional fag breaks kind of wank. Sometimes known as the epic wank.
6. Watch a film where someone’s partner cheats or maybe even dies. Thank your lucky stars you don’t have to worry about that shit. If stuck for movie ideas, opt for any J-Lo film ever.
7. Wear your ugliest, comfiest pair of pants. Revel in them. Give zero fucks.
8. Learn a new skill so that when your friend bemoans “Simon took me out to that new restaurant but I think the oysters gave me food poisoning”, you can boast that you spent the night learning how to throw authentic artisan vases. Single life is so enriching.
9. Remind yourself that, for thousands of women, the consequence of a great V-Day is excruciating pain, heading their way in approximately 9 months.
10. Ruin a wedding. For those of you still struggling with the idea of being a dried up, lonely, old wench, this is guaranteed to banish those blues. There is little more vomit-worthy than a conceited Valentine’s Day wedding. Head to your local church or registry office and light an effigy of Cilla Black. You’ll leave feeling like Carrie Bradshaw on crack.